Self-Control

Self-control… I have none.

As of today, I am down 26 pounds since I started my diet in October. Now, this might sound like quite an accomplishment… but I don’t really feel like it is. Right up until the middle of December, I had been busting my ass, making sure to stick to my diet (no meat, no dairy, and a calorie limit), and to get my walking and/or Zumba workout in. And it was going well! I was losing around 2 pounds a week, my skin was clearing up, and I felt amazing. I was less tired, and just happier in general.

Then… the holidays came.

I never wanted special treatment, or pity, or for people to go out of their way to prepare special dishes for me so that I could eat at family parties. I also never wanted people to say things like, “It’s okay to have a cheat day every once in a while!” or “Come on, it is Christmas! You can indulge!” Because, you see, for me… I have no self-control. None at all. I wanted to live in my happy little bubble, where I could surround myself with my healthy foods, and not worry about the cookies, hams, and cheese plates (all of which are super delicious, and evil). But, alas, the holidays came and went, and I was forced to be in the same room with these delectable dishes… and I caved.

I caved, and I gorged, and I can’t stop.

They say it takes 90 days to make or break a habit. I almost made it. I’ve been kicking myself so much the last few weeks, mostly for allowing myself to nod along and say, “You’re right, it is the holidays!” because I should have known myself better.

I should have known that those cookies were a slippery slope. That eating from the cheese plate would mean that in a few days time, I would be sneaking to the fridge in the middle of the night for a handful of shredded cheese, straight from the bag. I wish I had more support at home. But I don’t. Despite being quite overweight, my carnivorous, dairy addicted fiance insists that I am fine. He doesn’t care about my diet, or my need to have zero junk food in the apartment. He brings home packages of cookies, bags of chips, and random Buffalo Wild Wings, then ends up not touching them. So they sit in the cabinet or fridge, next to my brown rice, quinoa, and dried fruit. Taunting me.

And then, I snap.

Some days, I am so proud of myself. I stay within my calories, eat my veggies, keep my sodium down, and feel good about myself… but when the sun goes down, and my baby goes to bed, something inside of me just… snaps. I crave. Everything. It gets so bad that sometimes I find myself pacing the kitchen, wondering what would be “acceptable” junk food to satisfy my cravings. Carrots and hummus? Sure. Followed by 3 iced oatmeal cookies. Followed by a peanut butter sandwich. Followed by a handful of Tostitos…

I CAN’T STOP.

Is it boredom? I have no idea. Maybe.

On top of this, my son is going through a developmental leap, and has been a tiny (adorable) demon lately. Refusing to nap, taking forever to get to bed, throwing fits, and being clingy… making finding time to workout or do Zumba impossible. So the calories add up.

My weight loss has slowed… significantly. Actually, it has stopped. And it breaks my heart.

I know, I know. I have no one to blame but myself. Old habits are hard to break.

Can someone come and take all this junk food away? And yell at me to get my butt back on the right path? Please?

Jan

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Super Jan

I am an exceedingly average, 20-something female. Very opinionated, and slightly vulgar. I am a retired World of Warcraft player and podcaster, a Netflix binge-watcher, a YouTube addict, and stay-at-home mom to a tiny future superhero.

10 thoughts on “Self-Control”

  1. I think what makes us overeat is the guilt we place upon ourselves for indulging…when there’s a time and place for it. Something I learned in my 40’s is that you must be ok with gaining 5-10lbs over the holidays. Life, nature is an ebb and flow. Enjoy the holidays! Bake! Drink! One more of this or that..it’s ok. It’s part of loving yourself. Then the love is able to take control again when it’s time to take control. I gained 9lbs this season. Since the 28th I’m back down 5. I feel I can rediscipline bc I’ve indulged. My season to lessen is now here. There’s no guilt and no loss of control bc I ebbed and flowed. Be ok with where you are. Focus on where you came from! Love your body. It has and will continue to do great things for you daily. Love yourself. The control develops out of a love for your body’s health. But I hear ya! I know that feeling of not stopping. You’re going to do great!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, that’s such a positive way of looking at it! I guess I never thought about it as being an ebb and flow so much as a “go go go” to get back into shape. But I think you’re absolutely right. 🙂

      Thank you!

      Like

  2. So you sound like me recently with pickles and salty things. It just recently hit me like a ton of brick that I want salt and can’t stop. So yea! I have never really done that. And being a health fitness specialist I don’t know what to say to that. I have to focus my mind on something else so now I know I have to start working out harder again. I will say between my sims game, books, and other cratfy hobbies if it keeps my hands/ mind busy I am less likely to eat these snacks. So back to my bat cave I go between work and working out, lol. It’s going to be the only way in the next few weeks or I will be a blimp.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ooh, I feel you! Salt has been a weakness for me as well. And you’re right, it is easier to manage if you’re keeping yourself pre-occupied. It is the worst for me after the kiddo has gone to sleep. I just get so BORED! Speaking of which, he is napping, and I should be doing some Zumba…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LMBO, run for if you do not you will find the snacks and the ‘dark’ corner of couch feels like time-out later when you eat it and shame yourself secretly but internally satiated from the salt high…Oh the conflict!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I have the same moments of weakness. I made banana bread 2 days ago. And I ate nearly the whole loaf the same day and finished it off the next morning. Because I also put chocolate chips in it.

    It’s hard when hubby won’t be supportive.

    And I understand the demon baby. Mine will be one next week and has been raising hell lately. Not really easy to get in a workout or cook a healthy meal. I try to workout after she goes to bed. Doesn’t always happen, but I try!

    It’s tough but you’re not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My in-laws sent us home with banana bread, and I ate most of the loaf as well! That stuff is just too good. My little guy will be one on the 23rd! I feel the struggle! 🙂 Thanks!

      Like

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