Alone

I’ll never understand just how single parents do it. They are honestly superheroes. I’m not even a single mother, but I feel like I am more often than not. Since day one, I have changed every poopy diaper (yes, every poopy diaper), and most of the wet ones. I have cooked and fed every meal. I have executed every bath, and read every story. Given every dose of medicine. I have put him down for every nap, and every bed time. I have woken up with him night after night, and rocked him back to sleep. I am the one who wakes up with him every morning. Just last night, he woke up at 1:30, and would not go back to sleep, not matter what I did. We spent hours rocking, and got nowhere. My back was on fire from the crappy, old rocking chair, and I was so exhausted that I was fighting the urge to throw up all over his sweet face. I ended up lying down uncomfortably on the couch in the living room around 3:00 in the morning, and he fell asleep on top of me from 5:00-7:30. All I could do was try to cry silently, like I’ve been doing most nights lately, and try not to wake him up. I got no sleep. None.

His separation anxiety is so extreme this time. It has never been this bad. He screams and screams and screams when I try to put him in his crib, if I even lean over it. He wakes up the second I put him in there, even if I’ve been rocking him for an hour, and he was passed out. He open his eyes, stand up, and scream.

This morning, he refused to nap, just like every day for the last week. This sleep regression/cold/ear infection/teething/separation anxiety has hit him like a ton of bricks, and it is wearing me thin. He has been so fussy during the day, and it has been so hard to get anything done, whether at home or in town, because he is just so clingy and upset. I tried to leave him with his father today, so I could try and get a few moments of sleep, but honestly, I don’t trust him with him. I know he would probably never hurt him, but he has a very short fuse, and a very bad temper, and often raises his voice at him, or cusses at him, and it makes me so angry. Sure, I get angry sometimes, and I’ve raised my voice more often than I’d like to admit in just the last week, but he just gets ridiculous. Nevermind the fact that our son is barely over a year old, and doesn’t even understand what is going on, but what reason does HE have to be upset? He doesn’t DO anything. He has never spent a night, getting zero sleep, rocking in a creaky rocking chair for 3 hours. He got 10 hours of sleep last night! So, I do everything. I sacrifice sleep to make sure his diaper is always clean, or that he gets his meals on time, because Kyle always seems to “forget” or “lose track of time” when I leave him alone with him, even for an hour, so I can sleep, even though he is just sitting on his ass playing a game, or watching TV. I hate it.

I made a comment out loud to my son today, a bit passive aggressively, about how I was too exhausted to make lunch, but that I had to, because no one else would, and Kyle stormed off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him, to play his Gameboy (yep, talking about a grown man here). He gets so upset when I voice my frustration about doing 90% of the work when it comes to our son and our household, yet he throws these tantrums, and shuts himself in the bedroom for hours, leaving me even more alone. Proving my point. I’ve been asking him to get out to the laundromat for the last three days to do some laundry, since we are completely out of clean clothes, and he just keeps forgetting. A few days ago, I asked him if he would help me with the dishes, not DO the dishes, just help me, since I had already done nearly half of them, and our son was clinging to me, whining to be picked up. He just ignored me.

Last night was trash night, one of the only chores he will partake in, if I don’t do it, and he always waits until we are going to bed to do it. I was already under the covers, with the lights off, and with my glasses on the end table, when he came in and asked me to get the kitchen garbage out, and empty Liam’s diaper bin for him, which is something I always seem to end up doing for him. I stood my ground, and told him to just do it. He made sure to make as much noise as possible, sighing and gagging dramatically, cussing at the garbage bin when he dropped it and made noise. Then he came to bed, in a huff, and rolled over angrily. Absolutely unnecessary. And I get bitchy, and I get passive aggressive, and he brings out the worst in me. I don’t mean to, but I just get so upset. He doesn’t fight, we never fight. And that is a problem. He doesn’t talk back, because he doesn’t talk at all. He just shuts off, often storming off to the bedroom. And nothing gets done. I am so tired of it.

I love him, I really do, and I know he loves me and his son, but this is frustrating, and it is destroying me. I am exhausted, my blood pressure is through the roof, and I have been so, so depressed. I am tired of the bullshit excuses, and the immaturity. I want him to grow up, but he just won’t. I want him to listen to me, and understand how hard this has been for me, and what I am going through. The only reason I keep going is because I know that my son needs me, and no one else will take care of him.

But I’ve been having days lately, where the prospect of simply disappearing, leaving everything behind, seems more and more tempting.

I shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn’t feel this overwhelmed, and this alone, when his father is RIGHT THERE. He doesn’t even work this week. He has been home for days, and will be home for the rest of the week, but… nothing. He won’t help me. It honestly feels like he doesn’t care.

I am at the end of my rope. I just want a break. A nap. Some quiet. I need help, and I have no one. Some days, I feel like it would be better if I actually were alone, then I would only have one toddler to deal with. Only one person’s messes to constantly clean up.

Anyway, thanks for reading, friends. Thank you for letting me vent. I’m off to feed my overly exhausted kiddo a snack, and try to get him to take a nap, even though I know it won’t happen.

Jan

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Super Jan

I am an exceedingly average, 20-something female. Very opinionated, and slightly vulgar. I am a retired World of Warcraft player and podcaster, a Netflix binge-watcher, a YouTube addict, and stay-at-home mom to a tiny future superhero.

15 thoughts on “Alone”

  1. I’m sorry things have been so hard for you. I can’t even imagine how insane I’d go if my daughter’s father were around and doing nothing. We would definitely have plenty of fights, for sure!

    I live at home, so you’d think I would have help and everything would be breezy. It’s not. I’m not trying to say my family needs to step in and raise her for me, but some days I could use a break. Unfortunately, moms don’t get a break…regardless of the dad being around or not.
    Being a mom is tough…and when the baby is sick, it’s that much harder.

    As for the crying- I’m not here to say cry it out is wrong, but I don’t really feel like it’s best for the child. In my opinion, letting them cry too long by themselves, teaches them that mommy isn’t there for them. Sometimes I’ll just go in and rub her back, calm her down, and walk back out, all without saying a word, but it reassures her I am there. Granted, when she’s sick, I will usually hold her the whole time because it’s really the only thing I feel like I can do to help my miserable baby.

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  2. Jan – I feel for you. Being a new mom can be very difficult. Have you seen your doctor, as some women suffer post-partum depression and the weight of taking care of your little bundle of joy only exacerbates it. Like one of the commenters, I was thinking that you should get away to family for a reprieve. Something else that I did when I was a mom moons ago that was recommended from Dr. Spock, I believe, was to let them cry when it was bedtime. I was told the first time it would seem like an eternity, and it was. It was very, very hard for me, but I did it for her good, and the next night it was less time crying, and by the third night it was no longer a problem. Regarding your wonderful husband, I hope he is not reading your blog because this may not normally be the thing you share, but I understand. If he is wonderful as you say then he must also be reasonable enough that the two of you can sit down and talk about this. I think this is extremely important since you say that you don’t trust your baby with him because of his temper. Professional counseling also would not be out of the realm. But do something. Don’t just ride this out. I know this is way out there, but are you a member of a church? Being in fellowship with other moms help too. So, as I said do something. See your doctor. Get away to family with your bundle. Have a talk or get professional help soon. Keep blogging.

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    1. Thank you for your comment, Barbara. 🙂 Unfortunately, almost all of the suggestions are not possible for my. I don’t have any family within several thousand miles, and even if I could afford to get away, I wouldn’t. I’m not close with any of my family at all. I’ve been on my own for a long time, stubborn and independent. Counseling is also, unfortunately, not an option. I don’t actually have a doctor, or the finances to seek out help from either, though I really wish it were possible. And, no, I’m not a member of a church. As great as my husband is, he is stubborn and stoic, and talking about anything serious with him never works out, whether it be about his health, family matters, our son, his duties around the house, etc. I know I wrote about him in a bit of a negative light here… but he isn’t that bad, really. As for crying it out, I’ve certainly tried! We live in an apartment complex with paper thin walls, and I can only allow him to cry for 20-30 minutes before I can’t take it anymore, and have to pick him up. It’s been a struggle, and I know that because of that habit, I am partially to blame for his clinginess. Sometimes it feels like we can’t do anything right as parents!

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      1. The crying thing is usually for 30 minutes and then they fall asleep the first night, after that it is less time. I am so very sorry. I have already prayed for you that God will give you hope. Hang it there. I personally could not go through what you

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      2. Unfortunate. I know that it was hard for me to have my daughter cry and cry but I kept the door closed until she was quiet then went in and saw that she was asleep. It really pulled at my heart strings. There was this old TV show that showed the same thing, Mad About You – they sat on the floor outside their baby’s room while she cried herself to sleep. Praying for you, Jan.

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      3. I wasn’t done. I was saying that I could not possibly go through what you are going through without God and some people in my life to help me maintain my sanity. Hang in there.

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  3. Jan, I know I don’t know everything about you but, well, Kyle sounds like an ass. You know we are similar in that we both stay home and our kids are the same age. My job is to keep up the house. But Josie is not just my child. Justin and I share responsibility in raising her. We might tease each other about whose turn it is to change a poopy diaper but we do it equally. Kyle’s behavior is immature to say the least. It is not how a husband, a father, A MAN behaves.

    You deserve better. I just…ugh…I’m sorry but I am so mad for you.

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    1. 😦 I appreciate that. He really is a great guy, but he has so much growing up to do. Some days are worse than others, and I don’t mean to make him seem like he’s awful, but lately it has been particularly bad with kiddo being sick and not sleeping. Blah.

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  4. I really wanted to give you a big hug. I know so much things are happening right now in your side of the world there and exhaustion from caring to a child & life really gets a drag and robs your joy..but I know these shall pass, so just hang on in there…I’m sorry that you feel alone going through all this. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and I pray for better days to come .Keeping you in my prayers Jan.

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  5. This is too timely! I’ve been feeling the exact same way lately. My husband has NEVER given a bath, and will “forget” to change diapers if I’m away on errands. Lately he’s been working longer hours so more has been on me with the kids and house. I’m sorry you are going through this right now, just know that you aren’t alone and that it really does get easier (speaking from my experience with my older son).

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  6. Jan, I wish I could just reach through the screen and give you a tight hug! I am SO sorry that you have to put up with this! I am nearly certain that your son being so clingy is in response to your relationship with his father. They take their emotional cues from their mothers. Perhaps packing up the two of you and going to family for a few days for a little holiday or something like that is in order? It does seem you and absent daddy need a serious talk, but I don’t know all of your situation. I think he is being utterly immature and is certainly no where near ‘stepping up’ to his responsibilities. It is not a healthy situation for any of you! If you want to talk more, you can reach me on speaktoasiza@gmail.com.

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    1. Thank you, and you are absolutely right. I so wish we could take some time away, but with him just losing his job, it isn’t possible. 😦 Hoping once little one gets through this phase, things will be better…

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