Daily Prompt 6/21/2016 | Companion

Life. Life can be such shit sometimes.

[In response to The Daily Post’s Daily Prompt 6/21/2016 | Companion]

Things have been a bit strained lately with Kyle and I. We’re okay for the most part, and we’re not fighting or anything, but there are some things we need to talk about, and get out into the open, but we’ve been having a hard time talking it out. As I’ve mentioned before, Kyle has been trying to get into a class at the local community college to get his CDL, but has been having a very hard time. The class costs nearly $5,000, and we do not have the money to just drop on this class. He has tried financial aide, but they don’t offer it for this class. He has tried several different kinds of loans, through the school and several different banks and lenders, but even after trying both my mom and I as co-signers, he was turned down. For everything. He also got pre-hired by one trucking company to try and get a loan, but it was garbage, and did not help at all. And time is running out.

So, things have been a bit stressed.

Our lease is up in November, and we were REALLY hoping to be stable enough to move out of the apartment, and into a house, by then. We’ve been spending months going back and forth on where we want to move to, and looking at houses within our current, and future, budgets. He wants to move to Wisconsin, where he grew up, and has family. I have been going along with it, mostly because I just want to get out of this awful, small town, but lately, I’ve been having second thoughts about moving so far away. Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t much here for me, but the idea of picking up my entire life, and moving to a new area where I know no one at all, and have zero support system, brings up painful memories of all the sacrifices that I made for my ex, and how I left behind my old job, and all my friends, to move up here for his family. I don’t have much, but I have more friends now than I have in many years, and while I don’t see them the often, the thought of never seeing them again breaks my heart.

I’ve also been having second thoughts about him even getting his CDL. Ever since he decided he wanted to go for it, I’ve been paying more and more attention to semi trucks on the roads, and semi trucks in the news, and the thought of him being on the road, all the time, terrifies me. Liam and I barely see him as it is, and he only works 7 minutes away, and is home every night. I can’t imagine him being gone for a week at a time. I don’t drive, or have any friends or family nearby, so I would have to rely on him 110% more than I already do to get groceries, do laundry, etc. And what if there is an emergency? I have no one. No one but him. His mom and sister are 30-45 minutes away, but they are not readily available. I’m always alone, always stuck in the apartment, and even when he is here, I feel alone, and it is driving me absolutely insane. Literally. I’ve never been this depressed in my life. That terrifies me.

Thanks to some pretty bad PMS, I voiced these opinions at the worst possible time last night, when he was already on edge about all this class stuff, and we fought about it. Kind of. We don’t fight, we have 30 seconds of anger, then he storms off to the bedroom for the rest of the night. So, no real fight, and no real talking about it. We’re fine again now, and at least it is out there, but I feel… guilty. It was my fault for not voicing how I felt this entire time. I watched him make these plans, and think that I was okay with it all, when I’m really not. Now, it feels like we are back to square one, and as I said, time is running out to figure out what we are doing.

The facts are:
1) He doesn’t make enough money at his current job for us to improve our quality of life, but all the jobs in our area are literally either warehouse, farming, or driving jobs, aside from the retail and food industry jobs, which will also get us nowhere. This CDL class was one of the few classes that would provide us with a quick solution to our money problems, but for some reason, there is NO financial help available for this class, in any form.
2) I am unable to work due to lack of affordable childcare in our area. Even if I was able to go to work, ALL of my paychecks would be going towards that, and what would be the point? We also only have one vehicle, and I don’t drive, so working around our schedules would be a hassle, and our hours would suffer. What is the point?
3) Our lease is up in November, and we can not stay here for another year. There is nothing around us at all, our neighbors are terrible, our landlord is terrible, and our apartment has more things broken than working. The crime rate is also horrifying high for such a small town (the brand new high school on my stree had the windows shot out recently, and just last night, a naked man, high on LSD, was running up the main street of our town, screaming and attacking passing cars). We need to leave, but we really had our hearts set on finally getting a house. But now we don’t know where, and can’t afford any of the houses we were looking at.

I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do. I am tired, and depressed, and stressed, and it just keeps getting worse. We can’t catch a break in anything, and it is creating a divide between us. I hate this.

I don’t know what to do, but something needs to change.



Author: Super Jan

I'm just an introvert, trying to find where I fit in the world. Opinionated, slightly vulgar, and prone to crippling social anxiety. I am a casual gamer, retired podcaster, wannabe voice actor, newbie freelancer, Netflix binge-watcher, YouTube addict, and a mom just trying my best.

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