Struggling

Hello, friends. It’s been a little while since I last sat down to write here, and I don’t have much of an excuse for that, other than laziness, and the ever present thought in my head that begs the question, “Does anyone even care?” Likely, nobody cares. That’s fine. But I have no one else to talk to about anything going on, so if anything, I need to just type this all out for myself.

I guess before I do get into this massively long, negative, depressing shit post, I will give you a shiny bit of good news, which is that our TERRIBLE HORRIBLE UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR HAS FINALLY MOVED OUT! We also have a new neighbor across the hall, who is pretty nice, but she will only be here until May. No new neighbor upstairs thus far.

Anyway, where to start…

The last couple of blogs that I posted were from December/January, right around the time my kiddo was turning three years old. It’s all been pretty downhill for us since the start of 2018. At the end of last year, as some of you may recall, the store that my husband had worked at for several years closed. He had a second job at the time, and we weren’t worried much about finances.

Until he got fired from that job, just a few weeks later. This firing (which we both felt was wrongful), resulted in a lot of back and forth between the unemployment office, and his previous employer. We got a little bit from unemployment, which barely kept up afloat while we both started to look for work. Kyle landed an interview, and an invitation, at a job that he had really been hoping for. Unfortunately, due to him not having health insurance, and not being able to afford his diabetes medication, he didn’t pass his physical, and the job slipped away. He managed to get a new job after just a few weeks, but the hours were minimal, and there were no benefits at all, meaning there was no way for him to get back on his medication to be able to apply for the other job again. He was crushed.

A week or so later, he grabbed a second job working in a warehouse, which paid well, and was full-time. He liked his job at first, until he started to fall behind on his work loads. He asked me if I would be willing to look for a part-time job to help supplement our income, so he could move to a different position in the company, which had less hours, and slightly less pay, but that he could do better at. I agreed, and started sending out applications immediately the next day.

Two days later, he was fired. Despite opening up his availability entirely at his part-time job, and offering to cover shifts and other departments, they continued to only give him one shift a week.

He was only making $44.00 a week on average.

More back and forth with unemployment, while we both sent out applications, updated our resumes, and attended interviews.

Last week, he was hired as a shift manager at a large truck stop. The pay is okay, but the hours are all over the place, which has been making it very difficult for me to apply around. He has to complete 3 weeks of training, which is an all-day thing, and after that, he would be working 3-11pm on most days, but would also be working overnights twice a week, on random days. He also works random weekend hours.

So, as it stands, my availability is 7-2:30 on most weekdays, unless he works overnight, in which case I would have to start later. I also can’t work weekends. There’s no way in hell we can afford childcare of any kind, nor do we have anyone who could actually help us by watching our son, so that’s why we have to work opposite shifts from each other. I also don’t drive, and we only have on vehicle anyway, with no access to public transportation, so… yup. We’re pretty fucked across the board there.

Apparently, me needing to work one set of specific hours, and not being able to work weekends is a dealbreaker, because every interview I’ve managed to get, and every position I’ve applied for, requires you to work weekends, and swing shift hours. And no one seems to be willing to just let me work a damn set shift of 7-2:30.

It’s been so frustrating. I keep finding jobs that seem great, and that I would love to do, and then I read the hours, and the wonderful opportunity in front of me vanishes. I feel like the only places that would accommodate that kind of schedule are places like McDonald’s, or maybe Walmart.

No. No no no. Fucking NO.

On top of all of this, in late January/early February, I found out that my high blood pressure is back, and worse than ever. My blood pressure was running very high, around 112/90, for who knows how long. After talking to my doctor, she put me on a different medication than the blood pressure medication I used to take, and it fucked me up, y’all.

For nearly a month after I started taking it, I dealt with paranoia, high levels of anxiety, fatigue, irritability, depression, muscle aches and weakness, an occasional flutter/rapid heartbeat (which only made me think I was having a heart attack at the ripe old age of 28 thanks to my paranoia and anxiety), and constantly needing to pee. At my last checkup, things had calmed down, and I felt better… ish. She then questioned why I hadn’t been taking the antidepressants that she prescribed at the same time, and I had to explain that I felt too fucked up as it was, and didn’t want to be anymore of a wreck…

Whatever.

My anxiety, tension, and stress levels are still through the roof, but my heart seems okay. For now. So… that’s good. No stroking out randomly for this girl. Hopefully. I have more laps and fun stuff coming up in April.

Oh boy, as I was typing that last sentence, my son woke up from his nap, crying loudly, complaining of boo boos in his mouth. He also has a slight fever. This, along with my upcoming labs, comes at a PERFECT time, because I just got two brand new medical cards for us in the mail. Only, these cards aren’t for the HMO we’ve had for three years, and they list a different hospital and doctor than the one we’ve been seeing this whole time. I don’t know why. I was given zero notice about the change, and don’t even have a phone to call them about it until Kyle gets home later tonight.

So, that threw me into a full-blown panic attack, because both Liam and I were finally starting to make progress with our doctor, and the idea of not having her anymore made me sob uncontrollably for a few minutes.

Hopefully, I won’t have to take Liam to the clinic as well tonight, because despite it now being springtime in Illinois, we are due for about 8-10 inches of snow between tonight and tomorrow, and it’s cold and gross out.

Fuckin’ fantastic, man.

Oh, and while you’re here attending my pity party, let me tell you about how I have had the pleasure of being stuck in this giant hole of bullshit, which I only really talk about on Twitter, and get to watch everyone around me succeed in every aspect of their lives, and move forward and upward. I feel like I will never get there. Ever.

And, I sweat to Zeus, if one more ignorant, nosey, shitsack of a human being says something along the lines of, “Why don’t you work to help out?” or “You make him do everything.” to me ONE MORE TIME, I will go on a murder spree. And yes, people do keep saying that to me. Stop it.

That’s it. I’m done. I’m going to take a shower and try to relax (assuming kiddo doesn’t wake up screaming in a few minutes).

If you made it this far… thank you for actually caring enough to read it all. Unless, you know, you were just really bored. Hey, since you did make it this far, do you mind sending some positive vibes my way? Kyle’s stepfather, Robert, had a heart attack this morning, and was airlifted to the hospital. He’s been dealing with a lot of health issues since last year. He’s Liam’s best buddy, and I’ve been sick with worry all morning.

Maybe I will start taking those antidepressants…

Thanks, guys.

Jan

Author: Super Jan

I am an exceedingly average humanoid who is trying to find where I fit in the world. Opinionated, slightly vulgar, and prone to crippling social anxiety. I am a gamer, retired podcaster, wannabe voice actor, newbie freelancer, Netflix binge-watcher, YouTube addict, and a mom just trying to do my best.

2 thoughts on “Struggling”

  1. Hi, Jan! Found your blog from your comment on the Jenna & Julien podcast 🙂 So sorry to hear everything that you are going through, but happy to have found a fun, random blog to read! I’m a blogger too, only much more infrequently 😉 I’m not sure how to subscribe to you, but I’d like to keep reading 🙂
    xo, Taylor

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, thank you for your comment, Taylor! No worries, I’m a horrible infrequent blogger as well, haha. Sometimes, I go months without posting, and other times, I have to schedule multiple posts in advance, so I don’t flood peoples timelines with all the crap I post. Thank you so much! ❤

      Like

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