Thursday Stream of Consciousness

My throat hurts. My throat hurts, and I can’t breathe through my nose, and my uterus hates me, and I am so ready for winter to be over with. The weather has been wet and cold, and I’ve been cooped up inside my apartment, aside from bringing the kids to school in the morning, and picking them up in the afternoon, and I feel like I’m going crazy.

There has been a lot of drama going on with Liam’s school lately, and hopefully it will be all over soon. I don’t think I’ve written much about it here, but a few months back, we were told that the classroom’s bus driver was being investigated by DCFS, and that there would be no bus transport until further notice. They had to talk to Liam, and ask him questions, but wouldn’t tell us any details, and that was a little worrying.

Kyle and I started carpooling two other kiddos to school in the morning, because their families don’t have vehicles. One of the kids is actually one of our new neighbors, who lives across the hall. We have two new neighbors, and there has been a whole lot of drama since they moved in. Loud, violent fights, drug deals on the front lawn, the constant smell of weed in the air, loud music, police showing up, etc., but it’s been pretty calm lately. The mom across the hall told us that she is nearly four months pregnant now, so that means there will be another baby living across the hall to us. There’s a lot of kids in in this tiny, 4-unit building with paper thin walls. I’m actually babysitting her two kids after school today because she had some kind of emergency with her boyfriend or something, and he won’t be home after school to watch them before she gets home.

The other kiddo I carpool hasn’t needed a ride at all this week, because his dad has been really sick, and he’s been staying at his aunt’s. I guess there is something wrong with his spleen, and it might be serious. Their whole situation makes me sad. His grandmother is actually the bus driver for their class, and I found out all the details from his dad regarding the case against her, which I guess was bullshit from the start. Not only is she the bus driver, but she also helps out around the classroom, and I guess one day, during lunch, she was seen yanking her grandson out of his chair and choking him, and that’s when DCFS started investigating and asking questions.

The investigation hit a wall, because none of it made sense. The woman who supposedly saw this all happen was a travelling office worker, who claims that she was in the office when she saw it happen. The office has ZERO line of sight to the lunch tables in the classroom, making it completely impossible for her to have seen anything. There were also two other teachers, and one assistant, in the room, and not one other person saw this happen, not even the other kids. I’ve volunteered in the classroom more than once, and if ANY sort of commotion happens, you know immediately. I guess she was really upset about the accusations, and even though all of the other teachers, children, and even parents vouched for her, the investigation got dragged on and on, but she has finally been cleared to come back, so hopefully we don’t have to carpool for much longer.

Also, Liam’s teacher went on maternity leave at the start of the school year, and gave birth to her SIXTH child in November, but I guess she wants to stay home now, so I had to tell him she isn’t coming back, and he was really upset about it.

I bought some 10 lb. neoprene weights with my Christmas money, so that I can workout from home on days when I can’t get to the gym, but I have a sneaking suspicion that they won’t get as much use as I’d like. In November, I was so disappointed with myself for not going to the gym for the entire month, and then I repeated that disappointment by not going at all in December either. I gained five pounds over the holidays, which might as well be 30 in my mind. I hate it, and I feel disgusting and miserable. I’ve gone a handful of times this month, but between my household being sick every other week, and these back-to-back copyediting contracts I’ve been doing (I just finished editing my second ever novel just yesterday), it’s been hard to get there. I lost my drive a bit recently, because the management has changed four times now since I started, and I’ve had to say goodbye to three people that I considered friends. It’s a bummer, and now I just feel sad whenever I walk in. I feel lonely when I go now.

I want to blog more. I want to start having some sort of weekly theme thing, or maybe even a few things that I do twice a week (i.e. Thursday Stream of Consciousness), but I know myself, and I know that it probably won’t last, and I’ll end up just being disappointed with myself. I don’t know. We’ll see. I also have been wanting to do a total overhaul of my blog, but I don’t even know where to start. I have baby stuff, gaming stuff, writing stuff, blogging stuff, dream journals, etc., all on one blog, and it feels so… random. I want to have a cohesive theme of some sort, but nothing about my life is cohesive or organized, so if I just kept one thing on here, it would hardly get touched. I don’t know what I want to do.

I’ve been applying to jobs again, since my freelance work is feast or famine, and I want to find something a bit more stable, even if it is part-time. I haven’t left home to work in four years, and the thought scares me, but since kiddo is in school now, I think it’ll be okay, especially once spring rolls around, and he isn’t constantly sick. I just need to find something that works with our schedule.

My throat hurts. I know I already said that, but it really does. I hope I don’t have strep. I used to get strep a lot as a child, and since kiddo started school, we’ve gotten it twice, and it sucks. I can’t wait for his tiny immune system to start kicking in so he can fight this crap off better.

Everyone I know is having babies. I have three friends who have had babies in the last two months. It is driving me nuts. I want another one so badly, but know that we’re not in a place for it right now, and I am starting to think it may never happen. Kiddo will be turning four this month, which is already a full year older than I wanted him to be before I had another, and it doesn’t look like we’ll be ready for a while still. I’m coming up on 30 also, and given how long it took to get pregnant with Liam, I’m worried we won’t be able to get pregnant if we wait too long.

My estranged brother’s fiance is pregnant with her first child (his fourth), and her due date was two days ago, so my niece should be arriving any day now. I wish my brother and I had a better relationship. He has two boys by one woman, who won’t speak to him, or allow him any contact with his boys, and then another girl by his most recent ex, who just started speaking to him again. Now, he’s having another girl. He moved away from his kids, and now lives a few thousand miles away with his new girl, and his soon-to-be baby girl, and all I want is to see pictures of my nieces and nephews, and be a part of their lives, but I know it won’t happen. Maybe when they’re older. My brother is unstable, and toxic, and every time that we’ve tried to have a relationship in the past, it’s gone up in flames. I want to be a part of his kids’ lives, but not his, and that makes me feel like a really shitty person.

I’m watching Guy’s Grocery Games, just trying to kill some time before we have to go pick up the kids from school, and get our neighbor’s other kid off the bus, so I can watch them. I like kids, and Liam loves having them over, but they’re a bit wild, and I’m already feeling really icky. I hope they’ll be more behaved today than they’ve been in the past.

I guess that’s it. Sorry that this was kind of a boring, blah blog. Is that what people are into these days? I forgot how to blog properly.

Thanks for reading.

Jan

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Author: Super Jan

I am an exceedingly average, 20-something female, trying to find where I fit in the world. Opinionated, slightly vulgar, and prone to crippling social anxiety. I am a gamer, retired podcaster, wannabe voice actor, newbie freelancer, Netflix binge-watcher, YouTube addict, and a mom just trying to do my best.

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