30 Days of Video Games | Day 10: %&$# Cancer

Hello, friends. It has been a rough couple of days over in the world of Jan, and I haven’t had the chance to really sit and write. Also, I was kind of putting off writing this post, because it’s a really, really sad post. You have been warned. Continue reading “30 Days of Video Games | Day 10: %&$# Cancer”


I Need Some Advice.

Why is that worth nothing suddenly? Am I missing something? Am I being selfish? Heartless? I don’t know.

[UPDATE: I called the life insurance company, and told them that I need to cash out the policy taken out for me. The woman told me that this was not the type of policy that you can cash out, and cancelling it now would not get any money to me, or my grandmother. Since my grandmother told me that she can no longer afford to pay for the policy, and since I can not afford it, I have no choice but to cancel it. I feel bad that all of the money she paid into it is going to just disappear, with no compensation to either of us, but this is what she told me to do. That’s that. All done.]
———————————————— Continue reading “I Need Some Advice.”

5 Pictures, 5 Stories | Part 2

Hello, friends! I recently posted a blog entitled 5 Pictures, 5 Stories, which people really seemed to enjoy! I really like going through old pictures, and reliving memories of the past, so I thought that I would do it again. So here we go, 5 Pictures, 5 Stories | Part 2.

1. New York, New York

Back row: April, me, Danielle. Front row: Barbara, Kat, Theoni.
The summer after my junior year in high school, I had the amazing experience of going to NYC with several of my soon-to-be senior friends in the Upward Bound program. This also happened to be the weekend that the final Harry Potter book in the series was being released, marking the end of our collective childhoods, and we all bought it, and basically all finished reading it that weekend. It was amazing. I struggled so hard, because I was the first person to finish the book, and I wanted to talk about it SO badly, but I had to wait. This picture was taken in Central Park, the day after the release. I still in contact with all of these wonderful ladies, and I miss them all so much.

2. Manduca Sexta

The summer before the summer that I went to NYC, I had an internship in the Biology department at the University of Southern Maine (I was part of the UB program for 4 years total). My boss was a very tall, very nerdy man, who was obsessed with Harry Potter, and we got along amazingly. I also worked with a young woman named Muna, and another guy… whose name I can’t remember. My main job, every day, was to take care of the Manduca sexta caterpillars, in all of their various life cycles. Every day, I would:

a) Scrape the eggs off of tobacco plant leaves leaves from the moth cage, and put them into little containers with slices of wheat germ loaf (which I also made).
b) Take out the hatched eggs from the days before, and transfer them into bigger containers with more food.
c) Take the even BIGGER caterpillars from the days before that from their containers, and put them in even bigger containers with food.
d) Take the biggest caterpillars, which were ready to begin their chrysalis stage, and put them in wooden blocks with holes drilled in them, and store them away.
e) And finally, take the oldest blocks, with the already formed chrysalis, and put them in a giant moth cage. However, I was not allowed to open the moth cage myself, because the dust on their wings was dangerous to inhale, and at my height, they would fly directly into my face. My very tall boss handled that part.

The best part was that all of this was for cancer and tumor research. Something about how the caterpillars go from having multiple eyes within an eye (sort of like a fly), to two eyes as a moth… or something… I never fully understood it, but it was an amazing experience, and I loved it so much. I enjoyed the work, and keeping meticulous records on all my little bug friends. I wanted to be a forensic entomologist for the longest time, and being able to work closely with scientists and these insects was an amazing experience.

3. Dancing Kings

These are my friends, Julien and George. When I was accepted into the Upward Bound program as a freshman, which is pretty uncommon, I had a hard time making friends. As an upcoming sophomore, I was a whole year or two younger than everyone, and my awkwardness and shyness didn’t help me connect to anyone. Until I met Julien and George, who were two years older than me, and best friends. They were both genius level intelligent, and I still have no idea why they chose to befriend me, but I’m not complaining.

We had very similar interests in music (Julien introduced me to the Foo Fighters, George introduced me to Pink Floyd), books, and video games… including DDR. I had been playing DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) for only a year, mostly in the privacy of my own living room, when I met them. We started a DDR group in the lounge, and spent all of our free time playing. They were both incredible, and pushed me so hard to be good at it. This picture was taken at the Friends and Family Night Talent Show, which I was too afraid to enter. They KILLED it. That was the last summer I spent with them, as they went to  different school, but they helped me become more confident in myself, and also helped me get on a healthy track with my weight loss. I lost 45 pounds between my junior and senior years, and I owe it all to them.

4. Little Sister

This is a picture of the last time I ever saw my little sister, Desiree. The picture was taken at her 4th birthday party, the summer that I left for college. Desiree had been taken from my father and his girlfriend, along with her other two girls, and had been adopted by a woman named Amy, and her husband. I was not able to visit them often, and was fed a lot of bullshit reasons as to why. In 2012, I flew to Maine as a surprise for my mom, and had planned to visit them, but my grandmother, who had known of my plans all along, told me that I could not. According to her, despite my sister knowing she was adopted, she would not understand who I was, or how we were related… yet she understood who our grandmother was, and she was allowed to visit frequently. I was so angry. This beautiful girl is 11 years old now. Maybe I’ll get to see her again at her wedding. Who knows? I also now have a 4 year old sister, who was also taken from my father, who I may never see again as well. Family

5. Relay For Life

I had the honor and privilege to participate in our local Relay for Life event for 3 summers in a row. Kyle’s grandmother and mother both have teams, and Kyle had been doing it since he was young. His grandmother is a breast cancer survivor, as is mine, and my uncle died of a brain tumor, and I wanted to be a part of this so badly. This picture was taken in the summer of 2014, when I was 3 months pregnant, at the last Relay event that I attended. That is our stand in the background, which was boxing themed, to match the Relay theme of “Finish the Fight“.

We had our snow cone machine set up, which Kyle and I manned every year, as well as trinkets for sale, and a boxing ring and props for pictures. This was the first year that the event had to be held indoors, due to weather, and we had to fit our tent inside the hallways of the high school. The turnout was still great, and we ended up raising the second largest amount of money out of the two dozen teams there. Kyle’s mom joined a nursing program that same year, and we had to say goodbye to our Relay team. Hopefully we can do it again in the future, especially after this incredibly emotional year, where we have already lost so many to this disease. Fuck cancer!

Thank you for reading, friends!


Daily Prompt 1/14/2016 | Headlines

The Daily Post’s Daily Prompt 1/14/2016 | Ripped Into the Headline

Write about something that happened over the weekend as though it’s the top story on your local paper.”

This past weekend, as well as this week so far, has been filled with nothing but heartache for myself and so many others. After the death of David Bowie, and the announcement of the death of one of my favorite actors, Alan Rickman, this morning… I don’t think I can handle anymore headlines of any sort. I went browsing online, trying to find anything to lift my spirit this morning, and came up horribly short.

Nothing but stories of death and murder.

Even as I sit here typing this, I have two other tabs open. Both are stories about the horrendous murders of young children. Maybe some day, these stories won’t make the headlines, because they will cease to happen.

My heart is shattered. I don’t want to write today. I don’t want to think. I just want to cry and mourn.


Daily Prompt 1/11/2016 | Idols

The Daily Post’s Daily Prompt 1/11/2016 | Teen Age Idol

“Who did you idolize as a teenager? Did you go crazy for the Beatles? Ga-ga over Duran Duran? In love with Justin Bieber? Did you think Elvis was the livin’ end?”

Before I start in on this prompt, I think that it is appropriate to take a moment to acknowledge the passing of a great man, Mr. David Bowie, who left us this weekend after an 18 month long battle with cancer. He was an unparalleled talent, a member and advocate for the LGBTQ community, and a phenomenal human being, who touched the lives of millions, and inspired many. He will always be the Goblin King in my heart, and I will be watching Labyrinth today with my son, as it has always been a favorite of mine. I am glad that he is no longer suffering, but many hearts have been shattered today. You will be missed, Major Tom.

I was a teenager between 2003 and 2009, and I can honestly say that I did not idolize any one artist or group in particular during that time. I grew up in a time where the world was transitioning from the good music of the late 80’s and early 90’s, to the… well… stuff that influenced the weirdness that you hear on the radio today.

I grew up listening to my mom’s varied collection, which included the likes of David Bowie, The Beatles, Billy Joel, Elton John, ACDC, Madonna, Savage Garden, Led Zeppelin, Goo Goo Dolls, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Guns ‘N Roses, Hootie and the Blowfish, The Rolling Stones and whole lot more (she had a pretty killer taste in music, if we’re being honest here). Being so young at the time, it was hard to for me to relate to any of the lyrics, and I hardly remember any of the songs today, but it definitely shaped my taste in music in the future.

Sure, I was guilty of singing along to catchy pop songs on the radio, and bought a few J-14 magazines with Britney Spears, N’Sync, Backstreet Boys, or Christina Aguilera on the cover… but I never related or looked up to them either.

My mom’s preference for electric guitar and loud, in-your-face lyrics caught back up to me into high school, where I started listening to bands like Breaking Benjamin, Anberlin, Red, Blue October, Evans Blue… and then later I got into Atreyu, Bullet For My Valentine, 30 Seconds to Mars, and Muse. You get the idea. I was one of those kids. I went to a few concerts, got a few posters and CDs signed, and that was that.

I wouldn’t say any of these artists were really the type you’d want to idolize, and I never really believed in idols much anyway. I’ve always been perfectly capable of enjoying an individual or group’s music without becoming a crazed fan girl… or a stalker.

And you know what… I don’t really listen to music much these days. When I do, it is the same stuff I listened to growing up. If I turned on the radio right now, and put it on a Top 100 station, I guarantee you that I would not know 85% of the songs. Or the artists. I think I migh be a boring person…

Thanks for reading!