Dream Journal 6/30/16

Outside the church, we found a notice taped to the door, with a schedule of all the activities happening that weekend, and the times. It was written in purple crayon.

I was young again, maybe 11 or 12 years old, and I was camping with all of my grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles, just like we did every other weekend in the summer when I was a kid. We were at a large campground, which was connected to a water park, that we had never been to before. On our first day there, my cousin, Nick, and I woke up really early, because we wanted to go to the church at the campground, and… color. So we walked to the church, but when we went inside, there was some kind of Sunday school thing happening, and a nun yelled at us to leave, and that we weren’t allowed to color until the class was over. Continue reading “Dream Journal 6/30/16”

My Biggest Character Flaw? | Vlog

One thing has been weighing heavily on my mind ever since my mom’s return back to Maine, and I just wanted to kind of talk about it in vlog form, because I am still just too exhausted and… brain fart-y… to type it all out, and try to work it out.

Hello, friends. As many of you may have read here, or here, or here… or here… or here… or here… my mom recently came to visit me. While the visit itself was not as bad as I thought it would be, it was still filled with anxiety, stress, and lots of tension. One thing has been weighing heavily on my mind ever since her return back to Maine, and I just wanted to kind of talk about it in vlog form, because I am still just too exhausted and… brain fart-y… to type it all out, and try to work it out. Did it work? I don’t know. I still feel like crap, and I really wish I had a pair of shorts. Or new shoes.

I really wanted that Richard Scarry book for Liam… blah.

Anyway, here’s the vlog, for those interested.

Thanks for watching, friends.

Jan

Mom’s Visit | Day 6

Hello, friends. Today has been very… trying.

[You can read about Days 0-1 here, Day 2 here, Day 3 here, Day 4 here, and Day 5 here.]

Hello, friends. Today has been very… trying.

Kyle went back to work today, though I had him with me all morning and early afternoon. I had planned on getting some housework done, since it has all gone undone ever since my mom arrived, but that never ended up happening. Liam was incredibly fussy all morning, despite sleeping for nearly 13 hours straight, and was being quite naughty. On top of dealing with a cranky toddler, Kyle had a meeting with the financial aid office about getting financial help with his CDL class… and they basically told him there is nothing they can do to help him. So he came home very upset, which only made me more upset about this whole day getting off to a rough start.

Liam took an early nap around 10:15, despite only being awake for 2.5 hours, and ended up sleeping for 3 whole hours. I decided to put off doing anything with my mom until after he had his lunch, in the hopes that his long nap would put him in better spirits. This did not stop her from driving all the way to the park up the street from our apartment, and texting us about all the comings and goings happening there. It made me feel bad, and a little annoyed, that she drove all the way here, when we didn’t want company for a while, but whatever.

After kiddo woke up and had his lunch, my mom came over, and we all sat around, playing with Liam’s blocks, doing puzzles, and chatting. Kyle left for work, and my mom and I left shortly after to take Liam to the play area at the mall. We stopped to get some concrete mixers from Culver’s (basically, for those who don’t know, it is just building your own delicious, frozen custard treat with all sorts of candies and toppings to mix in), since we’ve all been craving them lately. We brought one to Kyle at work, and visited with him and one of his co-workers for a while, then headed to the mall play area.

Unlike yesterday, we had the entire play area to ourselves, and Liam had a blast, running around and screaming like a silly boy. Unfortunately, it wasn’t all that fun for me, as my mom was driving me absolutely insane. She was crawling around, playing with Liam, and chasing him, and kept stopping every so often to proclaim loudly, “Oh, I better stop, I’m probably embarrassing mommy!”, despite the fact that there was no one around, and I had not said anything at all. She did this at least 10 times. That’s just something she does, and it honestly drives me insane. She always says things like, “I’m just so stupid, don’t listen to me.” or “I’m probably wrong, I’m wrong about everything.” or always assumes that you are embarrassed of her, even when you aren’t arguing with her, or correcting her, or anything. It is so irritating, and she has been like this my entire life. I was hoping that she had changed, even a little bit, in the 8 years since I’ve lived under the same roof as her, but she hasn’t. I’ve called her out on it before, and tell her to stop saying things like that about herself, but it just makes her angry.

Anyway, after a little while, it started getting close to dinner time, so we headed to the bathrooms at other end of the mall to change Liam’s diaper. Once we got there, my mom told me she was going to just go wait for me by the car, which was parked outside of a totally different entrance, and I told her I was going to be a minute, because I wanted to take Liam to say goodnight to Kyle, since he wouldn’t be home in time for bedtime. She just walked off without a word.

Back in Kyle’s work, where it was absolutely dead, I found myself ranting irritably to Kyle and his co-worker friend, while Liam ran around, playing with the various things that hung from low hooks. I eventually went to meet my mom back at the car, where she argued with me over where we should eat dinner, and we ended up eating nowhere, and she just dropped me off at the partment.

Ugh. I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve just been so exhausted lately, emotionally and physically, and it has put me so on edge. I knew that this was going to be a hard week for me, as even spending 24 hours with my mom gets under my skin, but this week has been hard for so many reasons. Tomorrow is her last visiting day with us, even though her flight leaves Saturday night, but she doesn’t want to stop by that day. I’ll be honest, I really missed alone time with my son. I missed cleaning my apartment. I missed taking naps. I missed spending Kyle’s days off with him, cuddling on the couch, watching Netflix. I missed normality.

I guess that’s it for now. I want to spend tomorrow driving around, looking for garage sales and yard sales in the area. My mom is still pushing that she wants to buy me stuff, so maybe I’ll be able to find a decent dresser somewhere for her to get me. Who knows.

Well, Kyle literally just walked in, and I want cuddles. We’ve been watching The Adventures of Merlin on Netflix, and I know I’ve mentioned it before, but seriously, you should check it out.

Also, before I go, I wanted to add something else that she does that I find… odd. Whenever Liam does literally anything, like how he plays with blocks, or babbles, or runs around excitedly… just the things he does normally, she never compares him to me at his age. Not at all. She always says that everything reminds her of herself, or her and her mom, from when she was little. She never even talks about me as a baby, or her and I. I just find it strange. Is it? I don’t know. Meh.

Anyway, thanks for reading, friends.

Jan

Never Feed the Fucking Trolls

PSA: Just because something is not YOUR problem, does not mean it is not an important problem for others.

WARNING: Strong language.

Hello, friends. I have a general rule for myself when it comes to dealing with internet trolls: DO NOT interact with them. Don’t. Just don’t do it. Lately, I have been having a hard time abiding by this rule. With the current state of politics and the presidential race, as well as the women’s rights movement (International Women’s Day was just a few days ago), various LGBT rights movements, and other pro-equality movements going on, our nation has become a nation divided in the ugliest of ways. I am very upfront with my political and moral views, and most of you know than I am an Agnostic Atheist, who believes in equality for everyone. I am not only an LGBT ally, but also a Pansexual woman, and member of the community. I am also a feminist, and a Liberal. I don’t really care if you dislike me for those reasons, because your close-mindedness does not effect me, and I don’t want you in my life if you choose to judge me based on those facts. For just these reasons alone, I have been judged very critically by complete strangers who know absolutely nothing about me, and who throw wild generalizations at me, and that isn’t fair.

I have been called everything from a libtard, feminazi, fag lover, and so much more… all because I believe in basic, human rights and equality for everyone, which apparently, is an awful thing. Who knew?

For the last several days, I have been engaged in a handful of online comment wars, spanning across Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, and Twitter. Sometimes, I am guilty of being a bit of an instigator, but more often than not, I simply voiced my appreciation on a topic. I am not a troll. I do not scour the web in search of things that I wholly disagree with with every fiber of my being, just to jump into the comment section and spew ignorance and hatred on the subject. I also rarely skim through comments in search of someone who supports said topic, just to call them names and trash their opinions. I don’t make a habit of fucking attacking people on a personal level just because I disagree with something they say on the internet.

Apparently, I am a minority when it comes to this sort of behavior, because people online are fucking assholes. Shocking, I know!

Recently, an LGBT/equality page that I follow on Facebook posted the following picture:

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This graphic was posted on International Women’s Day, and while it did received a ton of praise from the LGBT community and its allies, it also received a lot of backlash from a lot of people who knew very little on the subject, and really had nothing of value to input other than “Fuck Caitlyn Jenner!” or “Until you’ve had a child you’re not REALLY a woman.”, both of which have nothing to do with what was said. The latter isn’t even a correct statement.

I posted the following two comments beneath the photo:

comments

Both comments received more positive feedback than negative, but there were a few people that had apparently just had a bad day, and wanted to tear everyone on this page apart for no reason. There were even a few commenters that were clearly fake accounts, created for the sole purpose of trying to hurt other people who disagreed with their views. Others had nothing of value to say other than calling me ridiculous names, or paraphrasing the Bible in all caps, WHICH AS WE ALL KNOW MAKES YOU SOUND SO MUCH MORE INTELLIGENT.

Why? WHY? What could you possibly get out of doing something like that? You are about as unlikely to change my way of thinking as I am to change yours, and that’s why I don’t waste my fucking time.

On a day that was for celebrating ALL women, there were feminists who wanted nothing more than to point out how they felt that trans women weren’t women, and gave them no support at all. There were civil rights activists, and #BlackLivesMatter activists, talking about how trans people, as well as the LGBT community in general, did not deserve rights, let alone to be recognized in a holiday. This lead me into several, one-sided, heated “debates” (I can’t even really call them that, because only one side had anything logical to contribute) across all of my social media platforms, that I let get to me. I couldn’t stop.

I let these trolling, immature, ignorant, terrible people get to me. I broke my own rule. And boy, did it get me fired up.

How can people actually think like that? It is 2016! How can you still have so much hate in your heart that you think it is okay to hurt people like that? I’m not even a member of the trans community, but as a woman who has struggled with her sexual identity for many years, I can certainly tell you how hard it is to KNOW that you one thing, but have everyone around you tell you that you aren’t, for a whole list of bullshit reasons. What if you were black, and people told you that you weren’t black enough, because of your eye or hair color? Telling you that you weren’t what you KNEW you were, what you were meant to be, because you didn’t look like it on the outside? That would hurt. You would be stuck feeling like you don’t belong on either side of the tracks, and it would tear you apart.

No one deserves to feel that way.

There are people who use sources like the Bible to back up their behavior, thinking that they are doing their god’s work in tearing down and hurting these people, because they disagree with how they live their lives, and that is WRONG. But even more wrong are the people who have absolutely no reason to hate these people, and choose to anyway.

Hatred is a choice.
Sexuality, gender dysphoria, and race are not.

If you want equality for women, or African Americans, or Latinos, but not for your brothers and sisters in the LGBT community, then you want privilege. Not equality. Those are not the same thing.

PSA: Just because something is not YOUR problem, does not mean it is not an important problem for others.

I’m so done. Back to my happy place.

Jan

[Just now, as I finish writing this, I am reading the comments beneath Ingrid Nilsen’s latest video on public bathrooms and gender identity, and it is honestly making me want to scream and rip my hair out. I fucking hate people.]

Daily Prompt 2/14/2016 | Thanks, Hindsight

The Daily Post’s Daily Prompt 2/14/2016 | Thanks, Hindsight

“How is the year shaping up for you so far? Have your predictions come true, or did you have to face a curve ball or two?”

This year started out rough, and hasn’t showed any signs of improving thus far. The optimist in me wants to believe that, even though it had a rough start, it will be a better year than last year… but the realist in me knows that will probably not happen. That’s just how it goes for me. Unless Kyle and I find some way to get away from the toxicity in this area, then it just won’t happen. I’m tired of people telling me things like, “Life is what you make it.” and other similar, meaningless phrases, when that simply isn’t true. Why on earth would I want to put myself through these types of things? Or my family? Life can be shit sometimes, and more often than not, I didn’t make it that way, and can’t do much about it.

If there were one thing that I wish I could have seen coming, it would be all of this unnecessary, ridiculous drama with Kyle’s family. Specifically, about this car situation, which we are finally done with. If you don’t know about all of that, you can read about it here. Kyle’s mom took the Journey off of our hands, and we have our Lincoln, and that is that. I should have seen it coming, as his family is comprised of mostly controlling, overly dramatic women, each generation more petty than the previous one, and they have always ganged up on him, twisting his words, digging up things from the past, and purposely trying to make him angry. They do it with each other as well, constantly fighting and being immature, but whenever Kyle is around, he is their target. Always. There is no reason for it, and it is usually unprovoked. There isn’t a damn adult in the whole bunch, I swear. You may think I am biased, as Kyle is my partner, but rest assured, when he is guilty of being an ass, I call him out on it myself.

Let me give you a little background. Before Kyle and I met, his family was brutal. His grandmothers, specifically, can be just awful, and they passed that down to his mother and aunts, who then passed it down to his sisters. No joke, it is a trickle down of pure bitchiness. When we started dating, his sisters eased up a bit, but his mom was… insane. There is an age difference between Kyle and I of almost 5 years, but he was 18 and legal when we started dating. His mother was not okay with this, despite letting his sisters, who were 22 and barely 16 at the time, go wild. I don’t even drink, and neither does Kyle, but she was convinced that I was going to destroy his world. Or something. She even used an app to track his iPhone, and would drive to wherever we were hanging out, and stalk us. Even in broad daylight. Let me remind you, he was 18 years old at the time. His oldest sister already had a child, and the youngest was mouthy, sleeping around, and drank constantly. All under her roof. Heck, when the youngest was nearly 17, she had a pregnancy scare from a one night stand during a party at her mom’s house, while she was out of town, and her mom was a little too okay with it. Yet when we excitedly announced that we were expecting our son a few years later, we faced a lot of harsh criticism and skepticism from the entire family, despite having a place of our own, steady income, and a strong relationship.

They eased up a bit once they realized that I wasn’t going anywhere, because they saw that I didn’t allow that kind of garbage to happen around me, especially when he doesn’t deserve it, and I spoke up. They have since stopped caring. Half of the time, it seems like they are joking, but I know better. They don’t drag me into things, and leave me out of aggressive group conversations, I think because I am intimidating or something, which has worked out for me. Unfortunately, since I do get left out, I have to hear everything from Kyle secondhand, and he doesn’t seem to realize that I know when he is lying to me, or stretching the truth. Even when I call him on something that I know isn’t true, he gets defensive. Why? Why do people do that?

Anyway.

So, yeah, if I had foreseen all of this hostility surrounding us purchasing the Journey from his aunt, I would never have allowed Kyle to do it. We even had reservations at the start, because loaning/buying from family can get really messy. And it certainly did. This all could have been avoided had his aunt been upfront with us on exactly how much we would be paying, but instead, she took advantage of our desperation for a vehicle, and gave us a car that we could not afford in the long run, then hid that from us for months. When we confronted her about somehow still owing over $700 more than the original price that we were told, after having paid over $1000 into the loan already (not even including the $1,100 that we’ve put into it in repairs, because we were lied to about the condition of the vehicle by everyone who already knew), she got defensive, and dragged Kyle’s grandmother and mother into the conversation, where they had no business being. Instead of owning it, and handling it like an adult, she acted like a child, and pulled two more immature parties into the situation, who did nothing but spout out ignorance, and ask bad questions.

That was what pissed me off.

His grandmother even took is upon herself to inform Kyle’s aunt that we were planning on getting rid of the Journey, and were looking for a new car. The kicker? She didn’t know that. Nobody did. We had decided the night before that we were going to do that. She was just trying to create drama, and she succeeded. In the days following, just like the month before, we were called ungrateful, among other things, for not wanting the vehicle anymore. I think they were just upset that they were losing a small amount of control that they had on us.

So, no, this year is not going as well as I had hoped, and I refuse to believe that it will get much better. Whenever I try to be positive, and let any amount of hope into my life, it all comes crashing down anyway, and I end up hurt and disappointed. So why bother?

Damn, I got myself all worked up writing this post out. Crazy families, man. What can I say? I’m going to go watch some Flashpoint on Netflix with my fiance (amazing show, check it out), and enjoy the last few hours of Valentine’s Day. Hope you’re all having a good day, however you choose, or don’t choose, to celebrate.

Thank you for reading, friends.

Jan