Three Weeks

Three weeks.

Today marks three weeks since Liam’s cold symptoms started. Three weeks of relentless, all-day fussiness, sleepless nights, horrible congestion, and a non-stop runny nose. We have gone through thousands of tissues, several bottles of Infant’s Tylenol, constantly have his humidifier running, and we are now halfway through his Amoxicillin prescription. No signs of improvement, although the ear ache that he had developed seems to be better (probably due to the Amoxicillin). He doesn’t seem to be getting better at all, and while I have felt better for about a week now, I am completely drained from having to take care of this poor, sick kiddo.

I suppose I have had it easy up to this point. Even as a newborn, he never woke up hourly, or even every other hour, to eat. He slept in 4-5 hour spans during the night, and was sleeping entirely through the night by the time he was 4 months old, unless he was going through a developmental leap. I never really needed to rock him, not even when he had his first cold, at just a few months old. That cold was absolutely nothing compared to this beast. I’m starting to worry that his sickness is developing into something more serious, and I am keeping an eye on this cough. I thought he was getting better, until two days ago, when he started waking up every hour (or more frequently), with horrible coughing fits, and needed to be rocked to sleep. He has been so clingy, both day and night. I can’t do anything. I can’t eat, I can’t bathe, I can’t sit at my desk, without picking him up, or he throws a fit. He never did this.

Is it just a toddler thing? I believe he is also teething. So, there’s that.

Ugh. I am exhausted, completely on edge, and miserable. And I’m willing to bet he feels even worse. I try so hard not to get upset with him when it takes 2-3 hours to get him to fall asleep, or when he wakes me up every hour between 1:00 in the morning and 6:00 in the morning, and needs to be rocked back to sleep every time. I know he is sick, and just wants love and comfort, but it is wearing me out so badly. I think I am going to call his doctor tomorrow and tell her about his new cough, and his lack of improvement all around. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I just want some relief for the both of us.

Jan

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Don’t Kick Me When I’m Down

Hello, friends! Liam and I are feeling much better as of yesterday, as we finally slept (mostly) through the night! He did wake up 4 times, all before 1:30 in the morning, but he slept until 7:30. His cough is gone, and he is much less fussy, and much more energetic, than he has been in over a week. I’m glad the antibiotics kicked in quickly! We seem to be in the middle of a developmental leap, as he has been increasingly clingy the last few days, add this to his teething, and it has been a bit frustrating not being able to do anything during the day. My apartment is a mess, and now that I’m feeling better, all I want to do is clean, but he just won’t let me.

Kyle still hasn’t been able to find a new job, and our funds are starting to run low. His department at his one remaining job decided to cut his department’s hours, and he has only been working 2-3 days a week, which is nowhere near enough to pay our rent, let alone the rest of our bills. I am trying to stay positive, but things are starting to get tight, and I am starting to panic a little. He’s been filling out applications every day, but hasn’t heard anything back from anyone. I filed an application for EBT yesterday, and tomorrow I will go to the WIC office and get back on that. We had both up until Kyle got his job at the Walmart DC, but we lost them when he was hired. We more than qualify for assistance now that they have (wrongfully) fired him.

Things have been frustrating here. Very frustrating. I am exhausted, and I have been getting migraines again, most likely triggered by my blood pressure, which I am willing to bet is higher than normal. And stress.

Also, my phone is missing. Liam was playing with it this morning, as he normally does, and now it is gone. I made the mistake of allowing him to play with it, since he no longer puts electronics in his mouth. I have been looking for it all day, but really started tearing the apartment apart an hour ago, while he was eating dinner, to try and find it. I’ve looked in all his usual hiding places (under my desk, under the kitchen table, in the shoes, etc.), but I can’t find it anywhere. Oh, and of course, it is on silent. Grr.

In other news, I have been playing the game Stardew Valley quite a bit lately in my free time. Kyle bought it for me for our anniversary last month, and I am completely addicted to it. I’ll write up a longer review later when I have time. I also have 4 dream journal entries, and 3 blog ideas, that I need to write out. I just never have a second to get on the computer anymore, unless Liam is sleeping, in which case, I am either bathing myself, or cleaning the apartment. Blogging, Twitter, Facebook, etc., have all taken a backseat to life. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much of everything. It has been nice, in a way, having Kyle home, as it has freed me up a bit… but it comes at a cost, obviously.

That’s it for now. Thank you to everyone for all the well wishes and kind words. I’ve missed you guys, and I’m sorry I haven’t been active lately. I have SO many posts to read and catch up on! I hope to be back soon.

Thanks for reading, friends!

Jan

Just Take A Break, They Said

Warning, I’m about to get a little bitchy.

Continuing with our recent pattern of clingy, fussy, tantrum throwing baby days, today has been no different. Liam went to bed with a little less fuss than normal lately, but woke up a few hours later, thanks to our noisy neighbors. It was hell to get him back to sleep, but when he finally drifted off, he slept through the night.

And then, morning came.

I woke up to his fussing over the monitor, and got up to make him a bottle. I went to his room to give him his bottle, and was greeted by him immediately starting in on a shrieking, wailing fit. Not exactly the first thing I wanted to deal with at 7:00 in the morning. I gave him his bottle, but he only drank a few ounces before tossing it into his crib bars, and continuing with his cries. I quickly picked him up to calm him down, but even that didn’t work. He pushed away from me, flailing his head back dramatically, and cried louder. I sat in the rocking chair with him and bounced him a bit, but that didn’t help either. After several more minutes, I decided that I (as well as my neighbors and sleeping fiance) was going to have to deal with the noise, because this baby needed a change.

More screaming and flailing as I laid him down on the changing table. Kicking and angry grunting as I took off his pants. Rolling and crying as I tried to put a clean diaper on him. I finally got him dressed again, and carried him to the living room, still sniffling a bit, and sat on the couch. I pushed away from me, and immediately dove for my phone, which had fallen out of my pajama pants pocket. I grabbed it from the couch before he could get it. BIG MISTAKE. This brought on yet another tantrum, which lasted a total of 10 minutes, where he picked up his toys that I had just gotten out for him, and threw them angrily. So I picked up his toys, put them all back in his box, and sat on the couch, staring at him until he stopped.

He eventually stopped, and came over to me, smiling, like it never happened. I wiped away my frustrated tears, and turned on Jake and the Neverland Pirates. At this point, Kyle conveniently walked out of his bedroom, stole my blanket, and laid down on the floor to play with Liam, and I got up to make breakfast.

After venting briefly on Facebook about how Kyle is working SIX 12-hour long shifts this week, leaving me 100% alone with our son, and no escape from our apartment, I was bombarded with comments and messages from Kyle’s aunts, grandparents, and mom, all telling me to just “take a break” from Liam.

Are you joking? Liam has never gone more than an hour without me, and even then, he was with Kyle. Who would I leave him with? The only person would be Kyle’s mom, who lives 45 minutes away, and would have to drive here, and stay in our apartment, just so I could… what? Leave the room? Sit in Kyle’s room and stare at the ceiling? Take a nap? Why? I can’t go anywhere, or do anything. And even if leaving was an option, which it isn’t, Liam doesn’t do well with other people. At all. And I can’t do any housework, because if I’m in sight, and not with him, Liam has a conniption. So, what’s the point? I don’t like when people tell me to “take a break” from my son, as if it’s so damn easy. Especially when they know my situation.

I don’t get breaks. I don’t even NEED a break. What I need, is for Kyle’s first job to respect his availability change that he put in MONTHS ago, stop screwing with his hours, and hire more people so that he doesn’t have to work open to close EVERY day this week. I need my partner, and Liam needs his dad, so that I can get something, anything, done in this damn house. Or, ya know, leave the house.

*Sigh*

Anyway. Thanks for reading.

Jan

Pancakes For A Gloomy Day

I’ve been feeling really down lately, struggling with more issues than I’d care to list out. A teething baby, sleepless nights, and disappointment in myself currently top the list. I woke up this morning, and didn’t want to move. The only thing that was able to get me out of bed was knowing that there was a tiny, hungry humanoid that depends on me to take care of him.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t in a good mood this morning either. He threw a pretty epic tantrum after I plucked the PS4 controller from his hands, which I had carelessly left on the arm of the couch. We’ve had too many electronic items damaged by this little fountain of drool, so I’ve learning to hide things out of his reach. But this morning, I forgot. As he threw his tantrum, completely inconsolable no matter what I did, I gave into all of the frustrations I had been feeling lately, and broke down crying  right along with him.

And then I made us pancakes. Cinnamon banana raisin pancakes, specifically.

Liam and I love pancakes, but we only have them on special days, or when we both need a little pick-me-up. I know, I know… they aren’t the healthiest breakfast option (I add fruit, pureed sweet potatoes, or pureed squash to mine, but they are still boxed pancakes), but we needed them today. I sat Liam in his booster seat, pushed him into the table, and gave him some banana slices to temporarily satisfy his hunger while I mixed my ingredients at the counter. The momentary quiet allowed me to calm down, and remember that he is having just as hard a time as I am, and it isn’t his fault that he is so cranky. I don’t remember getting my teeth, but I can imagine that it isn’t very enjoyable.

As I flipped our tiny, baby fist-sized pancakes on the griddle (I use a teaspoon to scoop the batter onto the griddle, which makes for fun, tiny pancakes that we can both enjoy), I kept looking over at my sweet boy, sitting contently, feeding himself his banana pieces, and smiling.

A few times, he turned his head to smile at me, making loud cooing noises to get my attention, seemingly forgiving me for losing my cool only minutes earlier, and I couldn’t help but smile back and sigh at this beautiful, smart human that I am raising. He is a good baby. He is a very good baby. We just have bad days sometimes. But things will get better soon.

Nothing some cinnamon banana raisin pancakes can’t fix!

Thanks for reading.

Jan